Musings of a Mum: 10 months old
What is happening behind those bright eyes of yours? What synapses are connecting and rearranging and organizing thoughts in your baby brain? Though remarkable change has occurred over the last ten months, I feel that the most noticeable changes happened in the last eight weeks. I find myself stopping in the middle of a chore or book or bite of hastily eaten food just to stare at you as you take in your new world, a world that is about to explode right before you...your very own big bang! The world of movement is at hand!
Weekend mornings are bliss. Daddy and I will each take a morning to let the other get a bit more sleep, and when the other does wake to join us, we will often sit in the sun room all together but independently playing. Dad is staring out the window with his cup of Assam. I am tucked up tightly in my bathrobe, sipping coffee as I leaf through a book. You will play quietly on the floor with your books or sock monkey. This bliss may last only a few minutes, but once in awhile the moment freezes in my mind and I will look at your Dad and then look back at you and then look back at the words on my page, suddenly unable to see them through my blinding happiness.
When I imagined myself as a mother, I never imagined this. I saw the difficulty; I saw the frustration, the confusion, the inevitable ways I would seriously mess you up and make you incapable of loving yourself and of receiving love. I saw myself angry and manipulative and always internally struggling to love you more than I love myself. I saw myself as lonely, frustrated, and always lacking in emotional resilience. I saw that I had a lot of things to fix about myself before I became a mother.
But now, I worry that you will know very little of true struggle. Though I had it less than ideal, I wouldn't change it for anything. I like how being raised by a single-parent toughened me up, made me independent and hearty. I like that the lack of fathering made me learn to see men clearly - and I could spot the good and bad ones a mile away. I like that the emptiness I was born into forced me to find my own means of filling it, never expecting anyone else to own the responsibility of my personal happiness.
You, my first-born, you have such a lovely life. All of our resources are bestowed upon your worthy soul. Our keen sight of you, our quiet pace, our educated awareness, our incessant quest to be more and better...all of these things I had to find on my own. But you, you will receive them in full.
This is not to say that we won't make serious mistakes and have to apologize over and over for hurting your little spirit as it grows. But I continually mark the stark contrast between your childhood and mine, and I wonder how to help you learn the lessons I learned - but learn them through love instead of abandonment.
I catch myself in spaces of utterly uncontainable happiness these days. It makes me want to bury myself in a hole underground for the shame of it - for the knowing well of other humans' misery and oppression, for the arbitrary dumb-luckness of it, for the fear of judgement and invalidation, and for the loss of my hard-won identity as a sad woman, made beautiful with suffering. But more than anything, chicken...more than any of those prideful reasons, I want to hide from my unhappiness because I don't want the universe to see me shouting it from the highest peak of my soul and decide to smite me from above because of my bragging. So for now, let it suffice to say that you - YOU - you have made Joel and I happier than we ever imagined humans could be walking the surface of this magnificent blue planet.
Yes, we are learning to co-exist quite nicely.
- Met baby Anders and saw Ruby and Courtney again.
- Had special one-on-one play time with Aunt Jenae, Aunt Erin, and Aunt Jess.
- Attended Mommy and Me yoga classes, and loved it!
- Met up with Cousin Amy and Kenya for a baby sing-a-long.
- Enjoyed a sleep-over at Gma's so Momma could get away for a weekend.