It's true what they say about exercise! ENDORPHIN city!
I've been able to walk/run THREE times this week (hey, it's more than I've done in 6 months) and this breezy and cool Friday noon, I was out and about doing my run/walk to my 90's pandora station (cleverly titled "Clothes are Cumbersome" by my saint).
Oh lordy how I wanted to dance. Sure I had a few little arm movements I cleverly disguised as stretches, but mainly I had a joker-sized grin on my face the whole time because I saw myself footloosing it all down Summit Avenue and how people would laugh and I would laugh and all of the sudden - EUUUPPPHHHOORIIA!
I came home wanting to spend all day dancing, and remembered one of my very favorite 80s movies...Girls Just Wanna Have Fun staring (the trained dancer) Mz. Sarah Jessica Parker and her quirky comedic side-kick, Helen Hunt. TELL ME YOU'VE SEEN THIS MOVIE.
you have to watch at least until Lee Montgomery pops through the orange paper!
I'm gonna go dance in the shower now because this girl will forever be a child of the 80s! crm
Ever since I purchased my own long-coveted laptop last week, I've noticed an increase in my "screen time." The only thing that kept me from spending all day computer-side was the discomfort of my chair at the desk. I absolutely wanted a laptop for the sheer comfort and inevitable ease of writing that would ensue. Enter my confession: yesterday, save a few leisurely hours reading Plath before bed, all of my recreational domestic time was spent in front of my computer or television. I found my ass sore and soul even more so. Though there are aspects of computer time that absolutely do feed me, I certainly know when too much of a good thing becomes exactly that.
In an effort to correct this, I made a schedule for today that would include a quiet morning with book and journal, a walk/run, some structured (and TIMED) computer work, a brow wax, and a trip to my local coffee shop to work on writing my articles. So this morning, as I sat to this time with myself, I had a small realization. I was sitting there, brimming with inspiration and enigmatic sympathy while studying Plath's journals (I have this new system upon which her mentioning a poem makes me go to her anthology and look it up, read it, and look up any muses she may have used (this a.m. I read a poem she wrote about Rousseau's "The Dream" ), it's so satisfying), a nuanced version of how I define success came to me.
Every human has to define for themselves what it means to be successful. I suppose on some level I do truly define it as making some sort of living off of art. Besides personal and professional validation, being published not only means money but it also ensures that my work will live beyond my lifetime. Because today I discovered that true success for Candace Morris is to do for others what Plath (and others) has done for me.
To be an inspiration to:
write and think
demand life from your life
be an authentic and courageous you
So there you have it. If (somewhat) limiting my screen time brought me to a more clear missions statement, then today has been a success.
The fear hit me last night. I am not sure what it is about flossing or washing my face, but if I am going to break down, it's usually then. All my worst fears and voices of failure and eyes of criticism and dislike bought tickets to this sold-out event. They crowded in around the mirror just as I saw myself. I saw myself with no words, blankly staring at a screen, the steady, trusty flow of my art run dry. With this new opportunity to write and publish, I felt paralyzed.
I cried.
I cried because their comments felt real, yes. But more than this, I cried because the things they were saying hurt like hell. And then I cried more because they were coming from inside of me. My bathroom floor embraced me with her cold dusty arms. My cat touched my arm in concern at the sound of my sobs.
After a few minutes, I wiped myself off the floor, finished brushing my teeth, and turned the light off on the fear. I have discovered an antidote to it and I think it's tears. Water freaks out the fear and sends it flying back from whence it came. But without this fear, I would never have known what I know today.
It's okay to be afraid. Thom York said so.
I opened the window for Octavia today. This particular window does not have a screen. We are in a subterranean apartment, so our windows are just below sidewalk level with bit concrete walls forming little planters outside. She was very scared to step out, despite it being completely safe (did she know I was watching her the whole time, ready to jump if she showed signs of scatting?). Over the course of 15 minutes, she finally let her entire body wander in the planter. Her whiskers flickered with new experience, her head bobbing spasmodically as her eyes followed a fly. A bicycle would go by, a dog would wander along the path with its owner, a bus would roar down the street, and she'd jump back in, but eventually she would wander out again. Even if only for a few seconds, she ventured. Slowly, but she went.
This presented a rather obvious analogy for me today. If my cat can wander carefully into new territory, I can.
Even if I come back into the safety of the house every single time. Because fear does NOT a failure make.
Congratulations. You made it through a week of moments of self-care. I received lots of great ideas and reports from many of you who took me up on this little quest. Some of my favorites:
"I sit by the window of an eclectic coffeehouse, enjoying a chai latte in the breeze of the oscillating fan. I rarely frequent coffee houses as I'm not a coffee drinker, but this feels great. I guess I've chosen to do quite a bit of pampering all summer long, as I'm dedicating the time to writing, and spending a good chunk of my savings on travel. It feels like a much needed focus of energy on myself. I dedicated 2009 as the year of {me}, and it only took me til May to do something about it!!"
"Alone on the porch midday enjoying the view and the quiet and San PelligrinoAranciata with my feet up."
From a new mother, "Today I bought a book for me. It has nothing to do with babies."
"I was feeling not so hot, so i lazed around watching tv after making some delightful homemade soup and then went to bed early. fell asleep lying on my therapy ball, then woke up an hour later to crawl under the covers and call it a night. mmmmm. heaven."
"I looked at jewelry at Whole foods and consciously treated myself to a rest."
"I'm still not well, but I let myself rest. I ate simple meals and sprawled on sofa chairs, I relaxed."
"A fresh pot of loose leaf tea and a moment to stop and be."
"Today, for me, that meant blowing off the omni-present to-do list for an hour and making something just for me. Not for my upcoming shows, not for wholesale orders, not for the Etsy shop, but just for me. "
"Cancel Date. Relax instead."
I say we did okay then. I am not quite ready to go back to the way it was, and am instead proposing a Self-Care Sunday. Each Sunday we report to each other what we've done for ourselves that day or week. You in?
We cannot possibly begin to take care of the people around us, of our dreams, of our souls unless we stop, listen, and breath. As Miguel deUnamuno says, "Self-love widens into love of all that lives."