New Year's Resolutions 2012

I am happy to say that I completed 11/17 resolutions for 2011.  I may have been a bit ambitious with  "visit every used bookstore in Seattle" (I made it to one), and it's a little hard to gauge goals such as "Be kinder to self." But in the "go dancing" and "write a book of poems" category, CHECK!

I would also like to take a moment to thank my fetus and 6 weeks of nausea for helping enforce the "drink less" goal.

2012 Resolutions


So 2012 will naturally be enough of a challenge on its own as I carry and birth my first child, but I am still a lover of specific lists with much thought poured into them, so I've narrowed down a few items I would love to see come to fruition this year:

2012 Resolutions
I am especially looking forward to the second goal of using my Sunday mornings to read and write letters.  I have become terribly lazy in the last few months, writing maybe 1 letter in that time.  I really miss it and owe my dear friends several letters back!  I know myself better when I write, be it journaling or letters, and I feel a bit out of touch with my best friends: words.

Regarding the goal "Live with Less," I'd like to explain what I mean.  I recently heard an NPR segment on a book entitled, "My American Unhappiness."  The author spoke poignantly about how American's live in a culture of excess and yet are some of the most unhappy humans on the planet.  When we want to fix something in our lives, we tend to think of adding things (i.e. exercise more, invest more, buy a new car, have a baby) and rarely do we consider that what we really need to do is redefine our standard of happiness.  He said the phrase, "Americans need to learn to live with less."  This idea has stayed with me ever since, and I've questioned how I myself could live with less. I am still not sure, but I am thinking that it will come to play when buying the necessary baby things (I think people really tend to go overboard in that arena), but also when it comes to clothes, entitlement about produce (I've been know to be frustrated that I can't find a ripe strawberry in the dead of winter), portion sizes while eating.  I am still really playing with the idea, and am still not entirely sure what it means practically.  What do you think of?


Charcuterie

When I asked Joel what his resolutions were, he said, "Make sausage."



I do hope your year is off to a good start.

on the evolution of self

Last week during one of many recent migraines, I sat to meditate.  Using a mental picture I borrowed and morphed from Kelly, I place myself in an octagonal shaped room with 8 doors.  The room is filled with my thoughts, concerns, and other mental chatter.  One by one, I pick a thought, address it, and place it behind one of the doors and lock it.  Eventually, I am left with only an empty room and my deep breathing.

This particular session I noticed that each and every thought I seemed to address had something to do with pregnancy.  This combined with the hibernation and isolation that comes with the first trimester of pregnancy had me suddenly feeling suspicious of myself.  "Oh no! You are going to become a one-note mother that has no life or identity outside of her children!"  I have spent so many years working on knowing myself, doing the psychological and spiritual work that my soul deemed necessary before procreation was possible.  I was NOT (hear me say this!) working on extracting vice from myself pre-parenting so that I wouldn't fuck up my kids.  That was never my goal, and by the way, I think it's nigh impossible NOT to fuck up your children in some regard.  I am not aiming for personal perfection.  Instead, I wanted to understand myself better and better.  So I've done all this work to make sure I have a strong sense of self and now, at the prospect of pregnancy, child-birth, and child-rearing, I have no other thoughts?

Joel and I waited 9 years to have children, and it will be closer to 10 by the time this little sucker pops out.  My fears have all been addressed, and I doubt you will find a couple who has done more tenacious emotional work before becoming parents.  Sure, we have very minimal amount in savings, owe on credit, and don't own a house...but these things were never important to me.  Financial security comes and goes, it is emotional security that a child really needs and what we have spent our time investing in.

What scared me about this particular mediation's revelation was that I had seemingly ALREADY lost myself.  I didn't care to write or journal or nest or so much of anything else I loved.  Note: this was LARGELY due to the fact that I could barely move with fatigue and nausea.  But now that I am coming out of those symptoms (I hope!), I wonder what of my old hobbies and purposes will be recovered or if they will pale in comparison to the crazy thing happening inside of me, and here's the real question:

Should I let it?

Why do we want to hold on to previous versions of ourselves? Is it because it's what we know?  Is it fear that keeps us from accepting personal evolution?  I had determined to never lose myself when I became mother, but in the end, how many of us actually get to decide who we become?  Becoming a mother means a new evolution of Candace, and while she will certainly retain the core of herself, new things will birth.  Will I let myself be?  Or will I censure myself for becoming something I used to despise?

I've said on this blog several times that we are 10 different humans in any one lifetime.  While I have plenty of aspirations as to the mother I want to be, what I am beginning to realize is that it's never helpful to the soul to be suspicious of oneself, and that the best kind of mother I can be is one that can let go of ideals and learn to accept what the universe hands her...even if it's a terry-cloth jogging suit worn in public.  God help us.




2011 in Books and a Contest!

I like to take a few minutes to look back over the books that ushered me through the year.  In addition, I am curious what books captured your attention and why.  Last year, I put together a list of your recommended reading and shared it here on the blog, and I'd love to do the same this year.  I'll start:

  1. The Marriage Plot by Jeffery Eugendies.  Read December 2010.
  2. To Have and Have Not by Ernest Hemingway.  Read October 2010.
  3. Autobiography of Red by Anne Carson.  Read October 2010.
  4. The Paris Wife by Paula McLain.  Read September 2010.
  5. A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemingway.  Read September 2010.
  6. Four Quartets by T.S. Eliot.  Read August 2010.
  7. The Wasteland and other Poems by T.S. Eliot.  Began January 2010 - still reading.
  8. The Poetical Works of Matthew Arnold by Matthew Arnold.  Read July 2010.
  9. Birthday Letters by Ted Hughes.  Began January 2010 - still reading.
  10. Villette by Charlotte Bronte.  August 2010.
  11. The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway.  March 2010.
  12. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver.  January 2010.
You can read my reviews and recommendations by clicking on any of the titles.  However, if you are looking for the quick fix of what I would recommend:
  • For a cerebral but satisfying read: The Marriage Plot and The Sun Also Rises 
  • For that easy summer page-turner: The Paris Wife and The Poisonwood Bible (PB is also important literature, so you don't have to hide it behind your beach bag like you would (SHOULD) with The Paris Wife.
  • I've found that those with only small tidbits of time to read can benefit from poetry.  Any of the ones listed above would do the trick!
  •  For the fascinating, beautiful, and off-beat read: Autobiography of Red

Please do leave a comment sharing your reads/recommendations, and I will send one random winner a copy of any book of their choosing under $20.  Contest ends Sunday, January 15 at Midnight.

I will then compose a list of these recommendations and post it on the blog for all to see.


"So many books, so little time"
Frank Zappa


2011 Year in Pictures


Year in Pictures 2011 from candace morris on Vimeo.

Did you watch the whole thing?! ;)

Happy New Year, darlings.

The 2011 Soundtrack

The albums that carried my soul through this year, in order of appearance:

It's been a very electronic year for us.  I wore myself out on indie/folk last year, and have been comforted by the solitary sounds of synth and motherboard.  However, if you've not gravitated towards this type of music, do know that it's not all dance/techno (most of which I despise).  All of this music is very Depeche Mode inspired, albeit a bit less serious.


Walking on a Dream
This album is just good, clean fun.  It will make you feel so very good.  Yet another Australian band!



The Sound
Joel brought this one home and started playing it.  While I didn't appreciate his immature lyrics, I began to resonate deeply with his themes:  a willing loss of control, such determined hope, and damn good mixing!  This album held me close through a very rough summer and fall wherein my soul insisted on challenging my marriage and encouraged me to release my rigid notions of romantic love, as well as coaxing me into the transition of realizing we wanted to start trying for a baby. Such a deeply spiritual and beautiful album.


Equatorial Ultravox
I am quite proud of this one, because I heard it on KEXP and texted Joel to listen.  We fell in love with it, especially the first song, Now That I'm Real.  It's EPIC.  My one criticism is that the entire album isn't remarkable, only two, maybe three songs.



Idle Labor
Another KEXP find, this album was on INTENSE repeat for an embarrassingly long amount of time.   THE.ENTIRE.THING.  It is swooingling romantic, intensely sad in its glorious pop-style, and boasts such a filling sound.  It's definitely a summer fling.  If you ever loved the Pet Shop Boys or ABC, you'd love this album.


Beach House 
(super hard to see the album art, but it's there)
Teen Dream
There is nothing like the sound this sister/brother duo puts out.  So calming, distant, and moving.  It is an album to paint to, to drive to, to make-out to, to drink to.  Equally sad and hopeful, it's the perfect soundtrack to a 30-something life.



Vespertine
I revisited my love for Bjork right around July/September.  The themes of releasing control (notice a pattern anyone?!) and abandon to the realities of life continue to speak to me, 10 years later.  There is no one like Bjork, nor will there ever be.


You Are All I See
I rarely love an album immediately.  From the instant we played it, we both became immediate fans, obsessed and infatuated.  Joel was able to see him play (a total surprise to him) when he opened for M83 in Atlanta.    With his professional harpist skills, this is one of the most hauntingly melancholy albums I've ever loved.  It's musical perfection.  



Shadows
I think I saved the last for my favorite!
This album is only available for pre-order, but thanks to Spotify, we've been enjoying it non-stop since October.  An homage to The Joy Division and New Order, this band sounds perfectly 80s with newly existential twists in lyric and theme.  It gives me chills. As Joel says, it's one of those bands that's going to BLOW UP and you'll end up hating yourself for loving.


You can listen to any of these tracks on Spotify, which I highly encourage you to download if you haven't already.  


And you? What has your 2011 Soundtrack done for you?