Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts

"Momentum, for the sake of Momentum"*


I see the moss being ripped from the stones of my brain, the soil in reluctant acquiescence to the bounty and strength of my own internal, intellectual Spring.  Ideas, thoughts, dreams all begin to roll, to gain momentum where once they were still and cozy in their bed.

I underestimated the energy that this small writer's workshop would provide toward my own self-education.  I suddenly have a strong desire to methodize my work, to keep hours, to create a studio space and altar for writing, to submit rough drafts, t,o attend book readings, to read and read and read.  Even the people I want to read has changed drastically.  While I still have a great reverence for the literature of the great past, I have a new hunger to read these names I am encountering in the class.  It all started with Cheryl Strayed, but from there I have been devouring the brilliant poetry of Brenda Shaughnessy, the writing wisdom of Natalie Goldberg, the rhetoric of Jessica Valenti, the lyrical non-fiction of Lidia Yuknavich.

It's as if I just learned to read and I am hungry for more and more words.  A world has opened itself before my eyes and I am jumping into it.  Authors I never cared to know about, books that seemed too easy, too modern.

I am asking myself all kinds of questions, really hard questions...but I am also finally empowered enough to feel as though I can actually answer them for myself.  To define myself as writer based on MY principles and preferences and definition of success, and not what I assume it should be.  I hear this voice saying,"I can do this!" whereas I used to hear it question, "Wait, can I do this?". I have to tell you, it's impossibly thrilling!

Forsythia from Mom's

Even more Forsythia!

Forsythia in sunlight

Standing under the canopy of a very old cherry

Cherry Blossoms line our streets

I love the contrast of old to new growth

Driveways lined with Camilla flowers

Weeping Cherries are one of my very favorites

What a great house

Daphne!


In other movement, Spring has certainly sprung in Seattle.  In an effort to exercise more (and to get Bowie out of the house), the baby and I have been walking all around our lovely neighborhood on what I call 'noticing' walks.  I probably look crazy, since I am carrying Bowie on my back and people must think I am actually talking to myself, but I speak to her of all the trees and plants and birds that I happen to know.  We touch them and smell them and take photos of them.

In even more movement, I have decided to make Kombucha!  The first batch is brewing as we speak, so I am hoping beginner's luck will smile upon me.



And last, but never least, Bowie has also gained momentum in a few areas.  She cut her second tooth, has tried (and loved) rice cakes, is on the brink of crawling, and has decided to grow hair in the style of 80s punk rock.  I am proud.




*Neko Case

the dream!

Greetings. I have the Monday sickness, which is a fierce desire to organize my life, clean everything in sight, plan every meal for the week, and cross off all my 'to-dos.' When this becomes impossible, right around 2:00 pm, I begin to despair and cry out for my former life.  By 4:00 pm, I am recovered and playing happily with Bowie.  This crazed self will settle down until next Monday, and instead of planning all the things I will do, I just do what's in front of me.  It works out, I suppose.

I believe it is called 'acknowledgement of limitations.'

Aside from that, I would like to announce the I have finally managed to pinpoint my life's dream. Dreaming is a bit hard for my  detail-oriented brain.  In fact, that is one of my marriage's great strengths.  Joel dreams, but has a hard time breaking down that idea into manageable tasks toward completion.  I, on the other hand, am firmly rooted in the practical.  I struggle to see the big picture, because as soon as he begins to dream aloud, I see the action items necessary.  I often care nothing for the grand idea; instead I find immense existential meaning in completion of tasks.  This freaks some people out, whereas some of you resonate easily.

Though neither way of being is more virtuous than the other (indeed the human race needs both types of people in order to thrive), I do think each person should learn to posses both traits.  Naturally, I prefer my way of being, but I've been speaking to myself a lot about dreams, and trying to really keep in check the overly practical side of my brain - you know, for balance sake.  I am not terribly successful at it, because I have noticed that all my answers to what I want to do vocationally are still so dryly practical - I certainly do have difficulty reaching beyond what I perceive as possible.

Today, I found a small answer to this cosmic question.  I want to remember that a vocation, the work of my hands and life, does not necessarily translate into a job.  What I mean is to clarify that asking yourself what you want to do with your life is not the same question (and therefore should not necessarily have the same answer) as asking yourself what your dream job may be.

We all need to feel useful.  The work of our lives is key to our identity and happiness. As Americans (read workaholics), I think we automatically equate life satisfaction with job satisfaction.  "What's your dream job" is synonymous with discovering the point of your existence.  I think it's dooodoo.  For some of us, I think the path to personal fulfillment comes by separating these questions.  For others, it makes more sense to marry those questions.

Either way, as I was journaling this morning, I realized my dream!
(I implore you to please forgive the horrendous spelling errors)


Easy.


my spirit as helicopter

in recent reconnection with my very astute father (he's a therapist and clairvoyant as hell), i have found peace.  i had no idea this would seep into my sleeping cycle, but it did.

last night i dreamed a scene wherein i was attending a group therapy session on anxiety.  previous to the beginning of the session, my father had asked to see my journal.  i quizzed him with my eyes, trepidatious at his reading such secrets.  his eyes conveyed that he would do that very thing.  i relinquished anyway.

after all.
i think every little girl wants her daddy to know her everything.

and then she grows up.


He took my journal and paced the back of the room as people I knew (old students, friends, family) began to flood into this group session.  Afterward, my father came up to me as I was sipping punch out of a retro-churchy Styrofoam cup.  With a punch stain on my lips, he asked me what all the cross out marks were in my writing.  He explained to me that these represent helicopters. 

Helicopters, he went on, represent lack of flight.  They can only fly so high and are quite limited in their soaring abilities.  He indicated that I was feeling tied down, that I needed to find the confidence and spirit to unchain myself.  

Hmmmm.
That's all,
crm


p.s. i may have purchased an embroidery project yesterday.  "Granny-Chic"* here I come.
*i did not invent this term.  SHE did.